Well I guess I can quit trying..

Its been months since I talked to my sister. I think I am now an only child. It sucks but oh well what can i do? I don't want to kiss her ass because I swore not to eat anything that was going to make me fat again.

I feel sorry for her but at the same time, I am tired of sacrificing.

2009 will be a new year for me! I promised myself that.

Ok so I am bad with time

It has been a while since I was here. I was really depressed when I started this blog but since September I have found some really wonderful things about myself.

1. I rock :47 lbs lost so far. Down from a size 22+ now to a very lose 16!
2. My mother in law (the devil)is not someone I should share anything with. Our friendship and being cordial to each other is over.
3. My sister and I will never have a good relationship as long as she thinks I am supposed to take care of her.
4. Tying my tubes best idea ever!
5. Starting school, good for my soul.
6. I do not need to please everyone around me. I need to dedicate some time and emotion for my family and stop giving everyone else everything they need!!!
7. I don't have to have the same friends, I can make my own!
8. I love my husband and he loves me and I can stop looking for something to happen to us and just live for the moments! Plus 13 years is a long time!
9. I can encourage myself and find joy in myself and my children.
10. A week ago my little girl started walking. How amazing is life. Life is good

Now it is only fair to say I have witnessed some tragic events recently, and it has undeniably altered my attitude. I am taking life and what I choose to deal with more seriously. I was venting here before but now I feel like I can offer advice because I am in a better place to be a friend, mother, wife, sister, and daughter. I have to be my own friend first!

Ten days left until my family hits paradise! I can't wait.

Back in the saddle again

Sorry I have been off the grid for a while. I have been having extended family issues. I had to have a comprehensive study done of my blood to see why I haven't been losing weight.

I have to say it is freaking nice to see that I can make a muscle. I have to work on my flabby butt and jiggly arms, and pouchy belly. I am proud to say that I have lost about 9% body fat.

My love life is better. My husband and I are really starting to connect.

I put my kids into a new school. My son hates it but whatever.

Our littlest one is now pulling herself to standing at 8 months. This is going by so fast but she is so worth it. I love her so much. I love all my kids, but she reminds me that I have a very bright future to look forward to.

I can understand why some women just keep having babies they are beautiful and make you feel wonderful. But I need to get ready to be normal and stop worrying about labor pains and stretch marks.

Onto the next chapter: future plans and the next 10 years of marriage!

Worst weekend ever.....

Well lets start out the weekend with a visit to the nutrionisit. Find out that you don't eat enough fruit or vegetables (i love fruits and veggies), find out you have a soda problem. Find out you are a true mess.

Pack your suitcase at the last minute. Realize that you are amazing and didn't over pack, didn't underpack either. Leave late for the airport, realize you have no money to tip the shuttle driver, and oh you left your boarding pass at home, along with your itinerary. Make the snap decision at the parking garage to leave the stroller, your first big ass mistake, your daughter is 18lbs and your carseat weighs about 8lbs without baby.
Pull a muscle picking up said daughter from carseat. Pull muscle again while holding baby in longest security line in history. Pull muscles again running from security checkpoint to gate and realize your flight is delayed. Get annoyed at nice ladies admiring your baby that want to touch her. Let them know they need to wash their hands, ladies are not amused but still watch baby. Have man sit next to you and exclaim," Oh no a baby." Get pissed off at him and almost tell him off. Daughter fusses for a few minutes then goes back to sleep. Declare guy an asshole, everyone is surprised that baby is so quiet and tells you how sweet of a baby she is. Make small talk with guy sitting with you and watch crappy movie on tv.
Land in take forever to get car, finally get to mother's house and she isn't there. Spend time with father (pure torture) finally see mother.
Next morning wake up and can't stand up or bend over, pain is unbelieveable. Have to spend time in the car. Aunt makes reference to my daughter finally looking like family, ignore comment because back pain is too bad. Flew all this way to see my cousin, he takes off from the airport without even calling and not even seeing me. I don't see some of my family because they are too busy or have sorry ass excuses.
Leaving almost miss my flight and leave my daughters hat and shoes at the security check point. Calling them now to see if my mother can pick them up.

Has to be the worse weekend ever. Back still hurts a lot and I am so upset it is hard to talk about the weekend anymore.

Babi Phat

Well our little one has hit the 16 week mark. Not doing too bad sleeping throught the night. It isn't constant but it is a lot of fun to wake up and realize hey you've been sleeping the whole time! She is 18 lbs of all woman. She is cute and funny and happy. I couldn't ask for a better baby. I am wondering how she will do with the babysitter today while I am gone for many hours?

I am going to pump some breastmilk and see what happens! Ha

Can wait to get outta here tomorrow gonna go see my mama and grandma. I can't wait to show off our little princess.

Sensitivity

I have been feeling kinda sensitive to certain things lately. It doesn't really seem to make sense. I found out a friend of a friend is getting married. So I guess that means that I am the unwanted friend because I didn't even get invited to come to the bachelorette party. It was really quite sad and really bummed me out. I am getting over it though.

My sister in law, sister, mother in law, and father in law apparently aren't speaking to us. It sucks so much. I hate it when people don't really value me and my time. I am not sure why exactly they don't want to talk to us and I find myself not really caring!

My toddler is driving me nuts, he is always into everything and it makes me wanna lose it completely sometimes.

Weight lost goal still hasn't been reached and probably won't anytime soon.

I love Myspace

I found one of my best friends in the whole world. I haven't seen her in 6 years. She just left. She did my dishes! I totally love her.
Babygirl is trying to give up the nap. Which is totally not working for me. So I gotta get back to putting her to sleep or at least trying too.

Next time:

How to piss off your mother in law so that she doesn't call you anymore!

Open mouth insert...

Ok well I was wrong about the gym. It is working. I am just a blind bat and can't see that even though the weight isn't coming off (I am working on my eating habits). I am currently wearing a size 16 skirt. I couldn't get this skirt over my hips let alone button it anywhere that a waist could have been. I can button it over the muffin top or below it. I am impressed.

I just want to see the waist improve, this muffin top is for the birds! For those of you who don't know a muffin top is the part of your gut that puffs out above the waist band of your pants when you put them on. I have to find a workout to incorporate into the other two days a week that I am not working out.. I need suggestions.

Even my limbs are tired..

Well today lil bit turned 3 months. She has reverted back to her newborn sleeping last night which bit the big one. I am currently running on whatever fumes are left in the tank. I have (since the baby was born) gotten the kids to school on time, whether my husband or mother was here or not, I am very proud of this.
Now facing that my husband is leaving again on a trip kinda makes me wanna scream but I can handle it. I can't get over how tired I am all the time, and how i barely have the energy to face anything during the day. I know that is making me very short with my kids.
After hitting the gym for the past two weeks I have not lost any weight. I think I have discovered a couple of reasons why:

1. I have learned that I totally eat for comfort. If I am frustrated I hit the refrigerator!

2. I eat for pleasure, I love the way food tastes. I am proud that the chinese food leftovers from last week are still in the fridge (yes I am going to throw them away)! Chinese food is my weakness.

3. I eat when I am bored. My husband and I sometimes just go you wanna eat some junk..sure why not.

4. Soda is not my friend,if I give it up I am starving. If I don't I am using good calories on nothing. But the bubbles and sugar are great!

5. I have given up my favorite Starbucks drinks, my cousin introduced me to a White Chocolate Mocha and that was the end of that. I don't drink it anymore. I am missing that caffeine big time.

6.There is Easter candy in the house!

7. I bought buttercreme cake and cupcakes. I had two in one day. This food journaling sucks ass.

8. Yesterday I had a cupcake, an ice cream sandwich, and a slice of cake right at bed time! I have no will power.

9. If I don't over eat, I spend too much money at the mall or my favorite haunt, Target.

10. All 9 of those revelations aren't helping me lose any weight at all.

I have had two cups of yogurt: 60 calories each, 0 grams of fat.
two large pieces of hawaiian sweet bread i baked yesterday: not sure
one Curves strawberry bar: 100 calories 20 from fat
and one 100 calorie pack of short bread cookies: 100 calories 3 from fat
Two bottles of water so = 1 liter of water
So just in 4 hours I have consumed 320 + calories and I am starving! I hate that this is what food has done to me and that I am having a hard time finding a balance. I need to lose 50 lbs but when you are eating a wonderful meal you aren't thinking about any of that.

Seriously..

Going to the gym with a trainer.. kicking my ass. Baby girl is 12 weeks yesterday. I am tired as hell, oh and i am gonna be late picking up my kids from school.

Liar

I just found out that someone I trusted has been lying to me for a very long time. It is horrible how I found out, someone else told me the truth and man it hurt. I had a love hate relationship with this someone and I am completely shattered. I don't have words.

It's... my scale. Bitch, she has been lying to me for over a year. She got a crack and I faithfully kept using her not noticing a huge change in her amounts so I just kept using it. I have been using it over my whole pregnancy and up until recently I noticed that she was giving me funny answers. Like I had gained a lot of weight one day, and lost it all by the afternoon.

So this whole 7.5 lbs I have been bragging about, nope not 195, more like 200 lbs still. I wish the bitch kept lying to me.

I had someone over charge me for something, how come you charge the card and it takes affect immediately, but when you get a refund the shit can take 30 fucking days! It was over a thousand dollars overcharged to me.

My new reason for living

There is going to be a new X-Men movie, I think it is supposed to be all about Wolverine. Oh my gosh.. this man (besides my husband) is my reason for living! And for those of you who live in a cave, this piece of deliciousness is Hugh Jackman.

What a difference a pill makes!

Oh for your information the bp is now better than it was the other day. It is in the range of 136/69 last night.

I am actually watching my friends kids for her today. I can't believe that I have 6 kids in my house. And for the record most of them are girls. I have 3 little girls having trouble figuring out how and what to play. It is a bit stressful but we are handling ourselves I think.

Since I have been feeling better I feel more calm and not so stressed out. I am not nearly concerned with the whole what the hell am I doing thoughts! I think I was just thinking I needed to be so dependent on everyone because hey I had 4 kids, but actually I just need to keep myself in better situations..hold on kids screaming, ok my littlest one was expressing his displeasure with change.

After making the choice to start working out, I feel better about doing something for myself. I can look forward to some quality me time. I also feel like things between my husband and I are so much better. For one my libido is back a bit, and I am interested in sex. However it isn't what it used to be and it used to be really freaking good. I mean really good! But alas I must wait for my body to get back to normal.

For the record: after going up the stairs and not yelling: 120/82

I am so excited we are planning a destination vacation this year. I am so excited about laying on a beach seeing my children play in the sand, pedicures and facials, and a kids care program. That is all me! I can't wait. But I will be waiting until October.

What do you get a guy for a 10 year wedding anniversary? We have until October to come up with an answer.

Starting my workout on Thursday

What I look like now:


What I wanna look like when I am done:



Ok maybe I am aiming high in all areas but its a goal! Maybe I will post a before and after picture if I look hotter than her.

Guess what?

Do you know why your headaches constantly even with vic*din? Can you say hey dumbass you have high blood pressure:

Sunday at Urgent care: 164/115 - nurse says your gonna have a stroke!

Wednesday night when no medication works: 153/103

Thursday at Dr. Smartass (I like him though, so its ok) appt: 150/100

Saturday night after doing lots of laundry and drinking something: 141/86

Normal by the way is 120/80! We are getting there. Sorry if anyone missed me, I just needed to get this whole having a stroke stuff together!

Germs R Us

Well we managed to get some more germs in the dog household. I am currently battling the worst sinus infection ever. I knew something was wrong with me when I didn't want to eat. And anyone who knows me knows that I love my food. I mean I even have a favorite bread, and potato chip!
My youngest is currently screaming for me to come rescue her from her bassinet and I don't want to pick her up. I feel like I have her permanently harnassed to me like some kind of horse to a hitch. I need a break. Yesterday (because my head was pounding like someone was doing a drum solo on it) I let her cry while I started dinner. She was tired, clean and dry, and I had just fed her. She passed out and slept until dinner time was over. It was nice. I felt bad but realized that sometimes she indeed needs to cry.
My cousin whom I haven't talked to in almost a year contacted me. It has been a long rough road between us and we were always so close. We are about 2 years apart but we basically were buddies. We are supposed to meet for breaksfast we will see how that goes.
I picked her up and she stopped crying.. I guess 10 week olds need love too. She was 13lbs 10ozs zt her last check up, chunky and cute!

She saved me..

A friend of my sister's called today. We have become really good friends. Our conversation today helped to realize that it isn't really that bad. I just need to make decisions for myself. She always grounds me and is a really great friend. We will call her Dr. Bigsis

Like my mother in law, I am not going to call her or offer her any advice. I think the reason why I am so hurt by her indifference is because she often pretends like she cares. I have to realize that I can't invest anymore of my time or energies on her anymore. She is not that important to me. My children and husband are.

I also have to let my sister handle her own problems. She lives too far away for me to run to her side all the time. She also has to get more realistic expectations.

I have to focus on something for myself so I am going to focus on a destination vacation for this year...with a sexy swimsuit and my children playing on the beach.

RTR

On one of my favorite shows they give each person a card that allows them the " Right TO Rant", they can talk about anything that is bothering them. I have decided that I will give myself and anyone else who wants to join in the chance to RTR also.

Why would someone who spent most of the week not eating and in the fetal position go to fucking Taekw*ndo class to work out for an hour, oh without eating also!

Why am I in a bitchy mood when I am over worked and overtired?

Why did my friend cancel on me about an hour before I expected her to show?

Why do I beg for a break only to never receive one?

Why won't my daughter not take breastmilk or for that matter anything from a bottle?

Why did she give up the pacifier?

Why do my breasts leak even after my daughter nurses on them?

What possesses a 2 year old to spit chewed food on his plate and spit soda on my walls?

Why do I feel so freaking incompetent?

And why did said husband ask me if I needed a break when he was just going to go to bed early and leave me with 4 kids to get into bed and laundry to do?

When will I go finish school (my second degree) and start doing what I am passionate about?

Why does my husband talk about how much money I spend to everyone who will listen, does he resent me? Why doesn't understand how much that hurts my feelings?

I absolutely love and hate my life at the same time...

Why do I just wanna cry.

Water buffalo

Thats about what I look like today, and about how I feel.

The longest freaking week of my life..

So when your husband is barfing his brains out everyday and its not the pain killer what could it be...how about a allergic reaction to Keflex! Sweet I say. So then we get new meds hubby all better.
But not so much better that he can help out with any of the 4 children we have nor do any cleaning or organization for the birthday party. Grr
How about your mother telling you that you do too much for your kids birthdays. Yes we had a photographer, but i also had a new baby, a toddler, a bouncy and parents to make sure were happy. I made my son's cake. It was great and I loved seeing his face when I gave it to him. He was so happy.
At the moment he is loving his baby sister and she is loving him, it makes it all worth it.
I am so freaking tired. I didn't sleep last night, my daughter projectile vomitted breastmilk all over me. And I had to get us both clean. I slept so hard last night I peed myself (know that I won't ever reveal my identity now that I have said that). I have the worse bladder control ever, seeing as I have been pregnant freaking 5 times I don't feel so bad about it. And it isn't really my fault.
My mom wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, I don't think she was well. It sucks too because she seemed be avoiding telling me what was going on. I guess the next time she comes we can just shop and hang out. I used to miss my mother but when I realized I am the mommy now I just got used to her not being present. She has never been a super affectionate person so this idea isn't something I wasn't expecting.
My sister called to say they found a lump in her breast. Of course my sister is across the pond from me so I can't just hop in my car and run to her side (not to mention I have 4 kids and just can't go anywhere). She wants a Louie V. bag for her birthday (no fakes please). But considering I don't have one and I don't have a spare 1000 for a bag laying around, and my husband has missed a week of work, she is not getting it. So I will be on her shit list soon. Well its monday maybe this week will be better? Hah

I am so dumb..

You try it out and see how you did.

Thank God..

I thank God for vicodin, for Lean Cuisine, for naptime, for urgent care's with pharmacies, for Pepsi - the nectar of the gods, and for Mom's who is coming tomorrow to bail me outta this mess I have made.

That freaking evil nightmare...

I have been having the same nightmare for years. It is the same. I wake up crying and sometimes overly upset beyond words. Inconsolable.

Last night my husband was introducing me to this new blonde bombshell (point number one I am not blonde nor could I be considered a bombshell), his new wife. Her diamond ring was way bigger than mine and she was flawless(point number 2 I have been pregnant or nursing someone at least 5 times, needless to say I am not flawless). She was on a vacation with me and my husband and our children. He explains that she will be here to get to know the kids. Mind you I am still breastfeeding our last. I am informed that once I am done breastfeeding we will be getting a divorce and this other woman will be raising and taking care of my children. She tries to intervene when I am talking to my oldest son and I tell her," Bitch I don't know what you did but these are still my children and always will be." My dream ends with me knocking over chairs and walking on the beach at night alone, staring at the ocean wondering if I can drown myself and he won't have to bother. Next thing I see him running down the beach to stop me, "You can't drown yourself until your done nursing the baby". I don't see him say it only hear it. Maybe it was me talking.
I wake up to hear my daughter fussing next to me in the bed, trying to find my breast to nurse. I was so upset. I hate dreaming that he will leave me and I dream it often. These dreams come out of no where, he never has said or done anything to make me think otherwise, I wonder if it is my insecurities talking. I hate that damn dream, it sucks donkey balls!

Hong Kong Fooie

Well it would seem that in my household we have uncovered a serious bug. My husband is really sick. I think he has the flu. My daughter and son are sick also. It is a most joyous time here.

My mother will be here in a couple of days and my son is having a birthday party this weekend. I have to keep this baby from getting sick too.

Lets keep our fingers crossed... oh no it hurts when I swallow..grrr

Update: I didn't know you could get strep with no tonsils but my husband has done it. Kids are still strep free. Man he was holding the baby while I ate.. Holy crap.

History

I have been thinking a lot about my history (family wise). I think about my kids looking to their past and their relatives and I am very sad by what I see. My mother (whom I love more than anything) seems to be closest to my kids. Like most families we live away from her (she lives in a state that I don't want to live in at all, being raised there was punishment enough) and this distance doesn't seem to diminish her love for them. And vise versa. However she doesn't seem to want to spend large amounts of time with them. Four days at a time and not a day more.
My father well lets just say my kids have no interest at all in talking to him and neither do I. He seemed to specialize in abuse. He was abused by his mother as a child and instead of disliking it and not doing it to his children he perpetuated it. I can recall being hit with whatever he could get a hold of. How horrible that was.
My sister and I have a even more bitter relationship. She lives far from me and we can't just get together at the drop of a hat. Actually she and I haven't seen each other for about 3 years. We talk often and I am reminded that I suck at not bending myself over backward to give her whatever she wants. She feels that I owe her because my family does better than hers. I was constantly trying to prove my love with things and when I realized the things didn't work I stopped trying all together.
I have more siblings but lets just leave it at that. I am sure that you probably know more about them than my sister and I do.
My mother in law is what I like to call a great big pain in the ass. I was going to say butt but you know what I don't have to censor the truth. She is like a mixture of a 16 year old girl dating for the first time, a constant complainer, has high expectations and could get lost in a brown paper bag. It is hilarious to hear her call and say" Hi, HD I am leaving now. I will see you in about 10 hours." And no kidding she will take 5 hours to do what takes me 45 minutes. All of it on a freeway that goes in a straight line. It is freaking unbelievable. Then when she gets to my house she is like a cat straight out of a dryer, fur sticking up, hot and pissed. That always makes for a wonderful visit. To make matters worse I swear her boyfriend is a pedophile. He is an old friend of my husbands (audible gasp!), and my husband swears he is on the up and up. I still watch him like a hawk and I always will. Yeah I know he is 15 years younger than my mil and 10 years older than my husband. Gross! Oh and she only wants to claim being a grandmother to show off pictures of our kids. Not to hold them or take them out. She has watched our kids overnight once and my oldest is 9! Her house is a pigsty and a covered in a layer of what looks like dust and ashes. So I don't push the subject anymore.
My father in law blames my husband and I for his divorce. Funny thing is that he is the one who was doing all the cheating. He got careless with the woman he had been cheating with for the last 30 something years. It is ridiculous. So we don't talk at all. And we pass his house on the way to my mil new diggs.
So my kids are going to have a terrible time with there aunts, uncle and grandparents. I feel bad that I can't make people do better but I have to be all things to them now because they aren't going to.
I haven't gotten to my husband's siblings we have to save them for another day. It is a story even you couldn't have made up!

Confessional

I am sitting here on my bed while my 7 week old daughter sleeps fitfully and my 2 year old still slumbers, and my other two are off to school. I finally have some time to myself. However I am in the throws of a horrible headache. It reminds me that I am not young anymore and that kinda sucks. I want to continue to be young but then I would never see my children grown and that would suck even more.

I first started reading blogs when I lost my third child. I will have to tell that story next time but for now just know that all the blogs I read brought me such comfort. Each day after my D & E became easier and easier, when I knew I wasn't the only one who had experienced such pain. I found most of the bloggers I read to be so funny and witty. It was such a emotional journey to be able to share in their sorrows and joys. To experience someone else's pain helps you to see that the pain your experiencing isn't so horrible sometimes. Or if it is that bad you will live and move on or at least move in a different direction.

I am the mother of 4 beautiful children, two boys and two girls. They bring me such joy and often times so much frustration. I never really understood why everyone tells new couples it is the best thing you will ever experience. (I have been married 10 years to the love of my life.) Not mentioning that you will want to run away from home sometimes and that you will consider sending your child(ren) to a relative in a distant country. That you and your spouse will want to beat each other up when the other gives that sigh (I don't really want to do what you ask) and grudging does it. Often times slamming doors or using foul language while that task is done. I am usually the one using the foul language. Haha Don't get me wrong getting married and having children is one of the best things I have ever done but it is hard work and always has been.

So I have created this environment for me to voice my frustrations, to share my thoughts and to use this land as a constructive place for other people experiencing the same things. For now I will be the unseen and unknown lady because I am not ready to share that part of me yet.

Like A Virgin..

Posting for the very first time. I have been heavily debating the decision to start blogging. Do I share my real name? What name should I use if I don't use my own? Where should I start talking about what is going on in my life? Will I get found out? What if my in laws read this blog? Oh God! So we will start out this journey tomorrow when I have had a chance to decide where we will begin in this journey through what I call my crazy life.