Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Thank God..

I thank God for vicodin, for Lean Cuisine, for naptime, for urgent care's with pharmacies, for Pepsi - the nectar of the gods, and for Mom's who is coming tomorrow to bail me outta this mess I have made.

That freaking evil nightmare...

I have been having the same nightmare for years. It is the same. I wake up crying and sometimes overly upset beyond words. Inconsolable.

Last night my husband was introducing me to this new blonde bombshell (point number one I am not blonde nor could I be considered a bombshell), his new wife. Her diamond ring was way bigger than mine and she was flawless(point number 2 I have been pregnant or nursing someone at least 5 times, needless to say I am not flawless). She was on a vacation with me and my husband and our children. He explains that she will be here to get to know the kids. Mind you I am still breastfeeding our last. I am informed that once I am done breastfeeding we will be getting a divorce and this other woman will be raising and taking care of my children. She tries to intervene when I am talking to my oldest son and I tell her," Bitch I don't know what you did but these are still my children and always will be." My dream ends with me knocking over chairs and walking on the beach at night alone, staring at the ocean wondering if I can drown myself and he won't have to bother. Next thing I see him running down the beach to stop me, "You can't drown yourself until your done nursing the baby". I don't see him say it only hear it. Maybe it was me talking.
I wake up to hear my daughter fussing next to me in the bed, trying to find my breast to nurse. I was so upset. I hate dreaming that he will leave me and I dream it often. These dreams come out of no where, he never has said or done anything to make me think otherwise, I wonder if it is my insecurities talking. I hate that damn dream, it sucks donkey balls!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Hong Kong Fooie

Well it would seem that in my household we have uncovered a serious bug. My husband is really sick. I think he has the flu. My daughter and son are sick also. It is a most joyous time here.

My mother will be here in a couple of days and my son is having a birthday party this weekend. I have to keep this baby from getting sick too.

Lets keep our fingers crossed... oh no it hurts when I swallow..grrr

Update: I didn't know you could get strep with no tonsils but my husband has done it. Kids are still strep free. Man he was holding the baby while I ate.. Holy crap.

Friday, February 22, 2008


I have been thinking a lot about my history (family wise). I think about my kids looking to their past and their relatives and I am very sad by what I see. My mother (whom I love more than anything) seems to be closest to my kids. Like most families we live away from her (she lives in a state that I don't want to live in at all, being raised there was punishment enough) and this distance doesn't seem to diminish her love for them. And vise versa. However she doesn't seem to want to spend large amounts of time with them. Four days at a time and not a day more.
My father well lets just say my kids have no interest at all in talking to him and neither do I. He seemed to specialize in abuse. He was abused by his mother as a child and instead of disliking it and not doing it to his children he perpetuated it. I can recall being hit with whatever he could get a hold of. How horrible that was.
My sister and I have a even more bitter relationship. She lives far from me and we can't just get together at the drop of a hat. Actually she and I haven't seen each other for about 3 years. We talk often and I am reminded that I suck at not bending myself over backward to give her whatever she wants. She feels that I owe her because my family does better than hers. I was constantly trying to prove my love with things and when I realized the things didn't work I stopped trying all together.
I have more siblings but lets just leave it at that. I am sure that you probably know more about them than my sister and I do.
My mother in law is what I like to call a great big pain in the ass. I was going to say butt but you know what I don't have to censor the truth. She is like a mixture of a 16 year old girl dating for the first time, a constant complainer, has high expectations and could get lost in a brown paper bag. It is hilarious to hear her call and say" Hi, HD I am leaving now. I will see you in about 10 hours." And no kidding she will take 5 hours to do what takes me 45 minutes. All of it on a freeway that goes in a straight line. It is freaking unbelievable. Then when she gets to my house she is like a cat straight out of a dryer, fur sticking up, hot and pissed. That always makes for a wonderful visit. To make matters worse I swear her boyfriend is a pedophile. He is an old friend of my husbands (audible gasp!), and my husband swears he is on the up and up. I still watch him like a hawk and I always will. Yeah I know he is 15 years younger than my mil and 10 years older than my husband. Gross! Oh and she only wants to claim being a grandmother to show off pictures of our kids. Not to hold them or take them out. She has watched our kids overnight once and my oldest is 9! Her house is a pigsty and a covered in a layer of what looks like dust and ashes. So I don't push the subject anymore.
My father in law blames my husband and I for his divorce. Funny thing is that he is the one who was doing all the cheating. He got careless with the woman he had been cheating with for the last 30 something years. It is ridiculous. So we don't talk at all. And we pass his house on the way to my mil new diggs.
So my kids are going to have a terrible time with there aunts, uncle and grandparents. I feel bad that I can't make people do better but I have to be all things to them now because they aren't going to.
I haven't gotten to my husband's siblings we have to save them for another day. It is a story even you couldn't have made up!


I am sitting here on my bed while my 7 week old daughter sleeps fitfully and my 2 year old still slumbers, and my other two are off to school. I finally have some time to myself. However I am in the throws of a horrible headache. It reminds me that I am not young anymore and that kinda sucks. I want to continue to be young but then I would never see my children grown and that would suck even more.

I first started reading blogs when I lost my third child. I will have to tell that story next time but for now just know that all the blogs I read brought me such comfort. Each day after my D & E became easier and easier, when I knew I wasn't the only one who had experienced such pain. I found most of the bloggers I read to be so funny and witty. It was such a emotional journey to be able to share in their sorrows and joys. To experience someone else's pain helps you to see that the pain your experiencing isn't so horrible sometimes. Or if it is that bad you will live and move on or at least move in a different direction.

I am the mother of 4 beautiful children, two boys and two girls. They bring me such joy and often times so much frustration. I never really understood why everyone tells new couples it is the best thing you will ever experience. (I have been married 10 years to the love of my life.) Not mentioning that you will want to run away from home sometimes and that you will consider sending your child(ren) to a relative in a distant country. That you and your spouse will want to beat each other up when the other gives that sigh (I don't really want to do what you ask) and grudging does it. Often times slamming doors or using foul language while that task is done. I am usually the one using the foul language. Haha Don't get me wrong getting married and having children is one of the best things I have ever done but it is hard work and always has been.

So I have created this environment for me to voice my frustrations, to share my thoughts and to use this land as a constructive place for other people experiencing the same things. For now I will be the unseen and unknown lady because I am not ready to share that part of me yet.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Like A Virgin..

Posting for the very first time. I have been heavily debating the decision to start blogging. Do I share my real name? What name should I use if I don't use my own? Where should I start talking about what is going on in my life? Will I get found out? What if my in laws read this blog? Oh God! So we will start out this journey tomorrow when I have had a chance to decide where we will begin in this journey through what I call my crazy life.